New Year's Day

     Here I sit at my computer at noon on New Year's Day 2013.  Slept in today until 10AM, an unusual phenomenon. Thinking about walking a nearby outdoor labyrinth and therefore waiting  for the outdoor temperature  to rise to above 40 degrees.  Did some work for my job this AM--a few leftover cases that were going to bug me until they were done.  Today is a pretty typical New Year's Day.
     I am thinking about the year that was and the year to come.  Increasingly how my life plays out is framed by economic realities.  I can't just buy what I want and do what I want any more.  I have to save up for things I once just took for granted, and spending on impulse is a thing of the past.  It isn't like there aren't any options, but it means looking more creatively at the options, and considering options I would not have considered before.  Maybe this isn't a bad thing--in many ways it's a more authentic way of living. 
     This past year was actually one of much stability.  I am pleased to report I was in no car accidents, and actually at the moment have a safe driver rating with our car insurance company.  Michael's car accidents were far less dramatic than in the past, although we had a couple incidents of parking lot scrapes of fancy cars which have pushed our semi annual car insurance premium over $2000.00.  The grace in this is that we have really good car insurance, and they have not refused to insure us.   My contract at work went from its third to fourth year. Rumblings are still faint about a cliff we're edging out on--in 2014 we'll either take off and soar for another five years of the Maryland Public Sector Contract, this time with Substance Abuse as well as Behavioral Health, or we'll crash into the abyss of lay offs and job searches.  But either way, 2012 could be considered the "Good Old Days".  Michael and I continued to fight with the health insurance about every single one of Michael's claims (how many ways can you say "no I don't have Medicare Part B"???) but I remained healthy.  Right now we have some residual anxiety about getting into my company's brand new HMO--our choices were Kaiser, Kaiser, or Kaiser, and none of  the  Kaisers included Michael's doctors so we went with the cheapest one.  IF they will let Michael in.  We sorta technically don't have health insurance today. Thank goodness Michael is stabilized on meds and has put in as large a supply of them as the old insurance would allow.  My involvement in church remained the same, stepped down as diocesan delegate but remained the VP of region V until council January 2013.  Went back into active status with sorority, which has been nice although I would not rule out a future leave of absence.  The Derecho brought a bit of excitement in June, but our damage was minimal and the power never went out.
     The coming year has built into it some self inflicted instability as well as fertile ground for the unanticipated.  I am already thinking about Lent and Epiphany hasn't even occurred yet.  My priest is going on sabbatical during Lent and not returning until Pentecost Sunday.  This is a very good thing for him and the congregation is in a good place for this to happen, but it has brought to light some old hurts and vulnerabilities for me from previous experiences with a priestly sabbatical.  I look forward to Lent this year as a chance to work this out. Since Kingdomtide as extended Advent beginning Nov 1 worked well in 2012 it makes a good model for 2013, barring unforeseen circumstances.  At work we will be gearing up for January to August 2014 which will be our opportunity to prove to MHA that we are worthy of the new contract and can handle the addition of addictions treatment--I suspect some of my co workers won't want to stick around but I'm game so long as I can work in Reston.  If work took a lot of my energy before it will take even more now, and that is without considering that the changes to CPT codes and the DSM V roll out in May.
     Who knows what kind of destructive weather phenomena will occur?  Who knows what kind of fiscal cliffs will loom? (fiscal cliff is all the news media talk right now)  Who knows what kind of bizarre and terrifying incident will happen in a public place facilitated by guns, bombs, evil, and/or untreated mental illness? What war will we get ourselves involved in this time around? Who or what will be born?  Who or what will die?  Flexibility is key.    Being realistic and planning ahead is also key.  But my father's advice rings quite true."Don't borrow trouble, or you will pay exhorbinant interest rates."  These days, I'm not even sure I qualify for the loan, and I  am not willing to pay unattractive rates.  Every morning we are blessed with a beautiful sunrise and every evening with a beautiful sunset.  Life goes on, one way or the other. 
           

Hiatus

It seems my blog has been on hiatus since this past May.  It wasn't intentional, many times I thought to sit down and write a post.  But my initial disconnection, which was actually before May 2012, had to do with a complete computer overhaul.  It's taken me a time to get thoroughly up to speed on the new and improved computer--not there yet actually.  I find I actually spend more time on my iPhone, and blogging on the iPhone I find to be cumbersome.  Maybe sometimes its a matter of having been on my computer all day at work and so when I get home I'm not real inclined to sit down to a desktop for a few more hours.  I don't even work at home all that much--I find it easier to be at work where I have my work phone and everything in reach, as well as there being complications I haven't bothered to puzzle out on accessing my work J drive from home.  Have not taken the time to hash it out with our I.T. person.
Its not like nothing is happening.  I just seem to be living over on facebook these days is all.  But I do miss blogging. Something satisfying about exploring a concept in essay format.    
It seems like cleaning house has been on hiatus as well.  I did do an amazing amount of cleaning on the day after Thanksgiving, infamously known as Black Friday for all the shopping that goes on, in theory putting businesses "in the black" for the year. Well, this Black Friday I didn't spend any money, didn't shop on line, didn't spend so much as a cent, didn't even move my car, except to make space for my nephews, who came over for a bounteous feast.  Maybe we can add unnecessary  shopping   to the list of hiatusi (or whatever the plural of hiatus is). 
But back to cleaning house.  It isn't something I enjoy very much, which is why I don't tend to find time for it in my moderately busy schedule.  But somehow the effort I put out day before yesterday was deeply satisfying.  I feel calm and in control. There's a lot more cleaning left to be done, that's for sure, but I didn't end the day  feeling like there was more I "should" have done. 
There's something delightfully counter cultural about cleaning house and blogging while the rest of the world is out shopping.  I took the month of November this year as an addition to the season of Advent, a friend helped me discover there is a liturgical season that we Episcopalians essentially ignore called "Kingdomtide".  It celebrates the Kingship of Christ and concludes today, on Christ the King Sunday.  Presbyterians and Methodists start it on Sept 1, but I started it on Nov 1, all Saint's Day.  It was a sort of running start, a chance to get started on spiritual disciplines for the season of Advent, and, yes, to change the focus over from material things as king to Christ as King.  So far, it's working.  This November has been much easier than most of the many past Novembers of my life.  I haven't done so well in being consistent with the spiritual disciplines...but if the intention to pray is to pray, then maybe the intention to keep up spiritual disciplines is to live a spiritually disciplined life  (well, it sounds good anyway!).    
And so we'll see where the hiatusi will end and begin.  I'd like to keep shopping on hiatus a long as I can, maybe do housework in bits and pieces, and watch blogging make a come back.  We'll see how this is working in a few weeks.         

The Art of Dawdeling

I dawdled this afternoon.  Lucked into a half a day off work in exchange for doing a software test in the middle of the night a few weeks ago.  Strangely, I was able to set aside all of the "have to's" and "ought to's" and "really should's".  Oh sure, there were many aspects of housework I could have accomplished, my front door could have used a good coat of paint (cancel that; it rained in the late afternoon), I am way behind in the reading my Spiritual Director wants me to do and could have used the time to catch up. But no, I dawdled.  I had a leisurely lunch at my favorite kebab place, strolled through Harris Teeter and suddenly realized I could get everything I was looking for cheaper at Target, dropped by Target and found out I was right and checked out their electronics while I was there (just browsing, can't afford to buy anything...its a bit daunting anyway), worked out at the Y and treated myself to the steam room followed by a luxurious warm shower, headed home and attempted to establish a better working relationship with the new computer hard drive.  It still won't let me conveniently get to my favorites,  it multipled my moon phase gadget on my home page by 5 and wouldn't let me delete it until I showed the proper respect.  However, in fairness, the rip of my favorite CD's in media player went smoothly--I was upset that some of them are missing but that wasn't the computer's fault--and we had a major relational breakthrough when the VPN installation went more easily than I could ever have dreamed of.  Much easier, actually, than with the old hard drive. 
But back to dawdleing.  There's a phenonenon called "flow", when you are so absorbed into something that time and distractions drop away, and you drift into this glorious nirvana.  Atheletes and artists experience it, I sometimes experience it when I am at work, and get into a rhythm of working on case after case without stopping (definitiely not when I'm watching the phones!).  Dawdleing today was something like that.  I felt no guilt about not having an agenda, and not getting anything accomplished.  I'm not sure I looked at the time between noon and about 5 PM.  I just did stuff as I wanted to and lived into the moment.
The best thing about my afternoon of dawdleing is that I feel refreshed and rejuvenated.  It truly is an art, and like all art, it gets easier with practice.  Maybe dawdleing can be a form of Sabbath time, of the rest that God has commanded us to take.  Sabbath doesn't have to be a particular day of the week, it really is a state of mind.  Maybe it helps establish those margin things we learned about during Lent.
I hope that I can better live into the art of dawdleing.  This afternoon was an excellent start. 

Welcome back!

I have been away from blogging for almost two months now. This wasn't intentional--I had plenty to say, especially during Lent and Holy Week. But there were computer difficulties. I thought they would be over by now, but they aren't. Meanwhile, I've discovered I can blog on my iPhone, which I could have been doing all along. things don't happen the way you plan them. I am disappointed yes, but there must be something to be learned from this.  So I'll just say welcome back, it's great to have the use of my blog again. Until next time...

Margins

This year, the Lenten study seris at my church is on margins. There are two parts to it, a substitute for a traditional sermon on Sunday mornings, and then a Tuesday night program, part of a tradition of Lenten suppers followed by some sort of program.

The margins study is based on a book by Dr Richard A. Swenson entiteld Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Resources to Overloaded Lives. The book is divided into three sections: 1) The problem (Pain) 2) The Prescription (Margin) 3)The Prognosis(Health). The study at my church delves into some other things, like happiness, and contentment, and joy, and friendship.

And so what is a margin? I wasn't too clear on this going into the study, but I have a better idea now--the metaphor is of the blank areas on a page around the writing, which are actually called margins. The idea is having a reserve of emotions, energy, finances,and time to draw on when times get diffiuclt. I guess in our metaphor that would be the idea of augmenting what is in the written part of the page "filling in the margins". The thought is that in today's hectic lives, particularly in an urban area, that these margins are either too slim or nonexistant. Some of it is the idea of setting boundaries, of saying enough is enough before the boundaries are eroded away.

The book seems to me to be your standard self help book. The guy contradicts himself sometimes, like when he says he does not believe in having an emergency fund. What could be more emblematic of a financial margin than to have an emergency fund?? It tends to be the one margin out of all others that most of us at least aspire to have (although circumstances often make it difficult). He speaks in some spiritual terms but much of what he is saying is not what the Christian message is all about. At least not thus far, I haven't finished the book yet.

The Lenten study has been far more helpful to me. In considering things like contentment and simplicity, which are larger concepts, I have started evaluating whether particular things are margins or not. What I seem to be finding is that getting into something is usually not a margin, its another stressor, but that once I'm there and fully engaged it does restore me, and provide me with some reserves to draw on. As an example: working out. I spend (waste) an awful lot of time worrying about not getting to the gym, and when I don't get there, because I'm too tired, or too overbooked, I feel guilty. But when I force myself to go and "get over the hump" it very much becomes a margin. I can relax and let myself go. In fact, I get so much in the flow of it that when I'm done I don't want to have to leave! Even when I'm preparing to do things I want to do, things that will help me reach my goals, I will procrastinate. This study has provided an interesting insight into this behavior and gets me thinking in a more productive direction. It has caused me to adjust my habits and the direction of my thinking towards "what is the value of this?" and "how will I be restored by it?" rather than "how long can I put off something I don't really want to do?" If it isn't going to restore me, then is it something I need to just accept and so might as well get it out of the way?

While I am learning that margins are neccessary, I'm not quite understanding how they help us to live the gospel. It seems like the gospels are full of stories of Jesus NOT maintaining margins, of wanting to go off by himself to rest, and being moved by compassion to eliminate that boundary and tend to his sheep. Maybe love compels us to make our margins a little smaller, and maybe that's ok. Maybe when we do something out of love we don't need to have as much margin--if you ask someone with small children about margins they will probably laugh at you. Along these lines I have to wonder if this discussion of margins will lead my fellow parishoners to think that when they are called on and demands are placed on them that they only need to refer to their need for a margin and then they are off the hook. Where does "cross to bear" fit into this?

I think my margins are pretty good right now, in fact, some of the printing on the metaphorical page can be a bit scant. But it is helpful to have a concept of them, and when things are less stable I can attempt to keep them in a way that is healthy, if not contented. Happiness is more fleeting. Sometimes that which creates happiness may cause the thinest margin.
Coming out of Lent this year I will be prepared to keep some margins in place.

Contradictions

I just reread my Valentine's Day posts for this year and last year, and noticed what looks like a contradiction, but when I thought it through maybe it isn't. Last year I said Valentine's day had been hijacked by industries that want you to spend money. This year I said that it had not So which is it? Its not an easy answer. It would appear that either I am flip flopping, or that I am insincere. That's actually not true. When I thought about it, I realized it is a matter of where you are in a particular year. This year, having the day off from work, feeling relatively stable in my job, having come to terms with a few things I was less prone to materialistic angst. Last year I did not have the day off from work (and didn't have as much leave--so it had to be saved up for things like getting sick), I was two months shy of my first work anniversary in this job, and I had had several rather jarring things happen that needed some time to sink in. I did notice,though, that Michael and I had chocolate for dessert both years...and it was delicious both times!
After reading this year's and last year's blog posts I have some empathy for our elected officials, who have adamently supported a position at one time and said the exact opposite at a later time. They get accused by their opponent of flipflopping. So which is it? Do you support whatever the hot topic of the day is or not? Well, the answer to that is that times, and circumstances, and perspectives, change. I personally don't have a problem with a politician who changes his or her position on a subject. In fact, I think I have more respect for someone who is able to adjust their thinking (and voting) as things change.
Last year, in my little world, Valentine's Day was hijacked. This year it was not.

Valentine's Day and Lent

I was inspired to write this post by something I saw on Facebook--one of my friends wrote that it is especially important to celebrate Valentine's this year because it is not in Lent, and next year it will be in Lent. Valentine's day is a fixed date on the calendar; Lent is 40 days excluding Sundays whose start and end are determined by the first full moon after the spring equinox (yes, I know the dates of Lent are determined by the date of Easter, but Easter is determined by...). This is all to say that some years Valentine's Day is in Lent and some years it is not. Next year it is; this year it is not.
Valentine's Day for me is a celebration of love and friendship. It is my absolute favorite holiday for the whole year, whether it falls in Lent or not. This year I even took the day off from work--helped along by the fact that Feb 14 falls mid month and I have use it or lose it leave to use up. It seemed like the gift of my time was a particularly nice thing to give to my spouse and to my marriage, since time has become a scarce resource for me lately.
I'm not at all sure what I will do for Lent this year. There are plenty of reminders that Lent is coming--the schedule of church Lenten suppers is out, opportunities and resources abound for observing a Holy Lent, much of the social media buzz is about what to give up for Lent. It would seem that maybe it would make sense to procrastinate a bit--I wrote about the virtues of procrastination last month--given that the calendar has gifted us this year with a Valentine's Day that is not burdened by being during Lent.
And yet, I feel that same sort of cultural/countercultural thing this Valentine's Day that I feel in every Advent. Some of it may be coming from attempts by greeting card companies, florists, restaurants, hotels, diamond importers, and the chocolate industry to hijack the holiday. They have already hijacked Advent.
Lent, when you boil it all down, comes to discipline. In Lent you resist the urge to spend money in spasms of materialistic impulse. In Lent you pray deeply, you repent. Lent has managed to keep us focused on the austerity that becomes the contrast to the joy of Easter. Even when Valentine's day comes during Lent. But this year I don't have Lent to help me keep the lid on overindulgence. When Valentine's Day comes in Lent the whole dilemma becomes a lot easier, and the focus more easily stays on love and friendship.
Oh sure. I'll send out some Valentines today, make a terribly decadent chocolate dessert for dinner, sip champagne...but I most likely will do these things next year as well, even though Valentine's day will be in Lent. Next year on Valentine's Day I won't be caught in the push/pull I feel this year.
Happy Valentine's Day!