Procrastination

Dear Goodness! I just noticed my last post was the day after Christmas. Thought I had written a little something since then. Every year Epiphany seems to slip by me. Ah well...on to procrastination: Which is what I'm doing right now. Feeling slightly out of sorts, the weather turned my weekend plans upside down. Usually that's sort of fun, but today I am restless. There are always a million and one things to do around the house that I never have time to do. Somehow, today I am feeling like this is the perfect opportunity to get to work on some of them. But I'm locked into an inertia. "Write a blog entry" isn't even on my to do list!

What could be the reason? Am I trying to do too much at once? Is it the memory of last year at this time, when I was in the aftermath of the first of two car accidents in a three month span of time; or the memory of two years ago when I had just received the news that a legal decision that had seemed well taken care of was being belatedly appealed? Is it being throughly thrown off by sleeping all day this past Tues after a medical procedure? I suspect it is a little of each of these things, and possibly something more.

I have been thinking deeply about discernment, prompted by the training for Listening Hearts Ministries (where we serve on discernment committees for people who need some spiritual support in listening for God). In this thinking I wonder if sometimes procrastination isn't something of a gift from God. I know this sounds like the world's biggest excuse--after all, isn't procrastination all about making excuses? On the surface maybe it is. But let's look beyond the surface.

God can speak in suprising ways, and completely disrupt one's plans. Remember the Virgin Mary? I somehow don't think giving birth to the savior of the world was one of her to do list items on that day when Gabriel delivered the astonishing news that God had selected her to be the Theotokos,venerated throughout eternity. Or what about Moses, out for a stroll when God confronted him in the form of a burning bush, giving him the preposterous assignment of saving God's people--I mean Moses for gosh sakes, who had no aspirations to and no perceived leadership skills for this assignment. I'm not saying I expect a thunder bolt to hit me out of the sky--but the discomfort of this procrastination is somehow sharpening my listening skills for that still small voice of God.

I have seemed to be praying into dead space lately. My monkey mind just won't shut up. I think this deep discernment is taking me into a call that is far beyond anything I am expecting or can control. It isn't anything as simple as "should I do this or that". Procrastination is merely in its service. There is a quality of fear to it, the fear of not being in charge. I mean, this is why God goes around in the bible saying "fear not" a lot. Procrastination shakes you up.

If I have accomplished anything today, it has been to have taken the time to write a complex blog entry. I feel better now, and ready to do some of the things I must do in the service of God's world.